At dinner a couple of nights ago, my parents asked numerous questions about my classes from the past semester and what important lessons I learned. This conversation occurred right after I completed the eight hour drive to Minnesota, and thus I provided them with superficial answers to the questions because I felt far more concerned about taking a nap. After several hours of sleep, I reconsidered their questions and realized that this Psychology of Racism course really changed a lot of my perspectives and thought processes. I noticed in the past couple of days that I started to notice race and racism displayed all around me, all the time. Advertisements on television, the cast of a particular movie, comments made by a friend, magazine articles – the list goes on and on, but I find it remarkable how ubiquitous this topic is in our society. I remember on the first day of class when everyone discussed how race impacted their lives, I felt nervous and apprehensive when it came my turn to talk because I literally had no concept of how racism influences my life. Even though I realize that as a White female raised in a predominantly White community I experienced the privilege of “being part of the racial norm” and took this “for granted without conscious consideration of their White privilege,” it remains astounding to me that I remained largely oblivious to this issue until my junior year of college (Tatum, 95).

In addition to providing me with a revolutionized view on how systematic racism (or any ism for that matter) functions in society, this course also prepared me well for helping to combat these cycles of oppression. Since high school, one of my biggest pet peeves occurs when someone uses “gay” or “retarded” to describe an object that clearly has no sexual orientation or learning disability. From high school to sophomore year of college I felt comfortable asking close friends to refrain from uses such phrases, but I never felt confident enough to confront an acquaintance with the issue. Since this course however, I found that I often feel self-assured enough to ask even acquaintances to refrain from utilizing these phrases around me. This new-found assertiveness extends beyond asking others to not use gay/retarded to racial slurs and jokes as well. I believe this ability comes from the knowledge of how cyclical isms continue to rotate unless confronted, and that challenging the status quo might “inspire real and lasting change” (Ayvazian, 600). So I guess in answer to my parents questions, I really learned a great deal of important lessons this semester.

Last Wednesday on Reading Day, I studied in one of the coveted Ames group study rooms with a couple friends for almost the entire day. Throughout the day we occasionally wandered off topic, and an interesting conversation started when a friend mentioned a volunteer opportunity he participated in a couple weekends ago. He mentioned how he worked with “people from a low-income, governmental housing neighborhood in Bloomington.” My face reacted to this comment and he asked what I was thinking about. Remembering my observations from the state of dialogue essay and the Kivel reading about speaking in “code words,” I told him about how White Americans tend to speak in code words to disguise actually discussing the topic of race. I attempted to explain this in a non-accusatory and informative manner, but he reacted with annoyance and anger. This friend also witnessed Megan Gleason confront the track team at dinner about a racist joke, and he clearly had no interest in hearing about what both her and I learned in this course. He said something to the effect of “Megan told the track team a ‘wrong’ definition of racism” and that “I wish that you two had not taken this course because you keep correcting and psycho-analyzing everything I say.” I really did not know how to respond to this comment, so I dropped the topic and returned to my studying. I wanted to scream something to the effect of “Of course it does not matter to you because you are White, male, heterosexual and Christian” but I refrained because I knew this would not lead to a positive situation. Afterward I felt so frustrated towards him in a similar way to how the men in “Color of Fear” felt towards David. It just seemed that this friend would invalidate and discount any argument Megan or I made about how racism functions in society. This whole experience just made me think about how to effectively talk to friends, who seem to not care about how White privilege benefits them, about the knowledge gained in this course. In this particular situation, even though I attempted to sound uncritical and nonjudgmental, I ended up angering a friend and returning back to the original silence. Later in the day I read the Interrupting the Cycle of Oppression article by Andrea Ayvazian. She discussed in the "Preparing for the Long Haul" section how confronting racism involves making mistakes and screwing up while in the situation. This provided me with some encouragement that with time and more thought, hopefully I can develop a way to talk to more close-minded friends in a way that stimulates rather than silences dialogue about race.

This afternoon I saw a newly released movie entitled The Soloist. The film starred Robert Downy Jr. who played a Los Angeles Times reporter (Steve Lopez) who wrote articles about Jamie Foxx who acted as a schizophrenic homeless man (Nathanial Ayers) with an incredible talent for the cello. Much of the friendship between these two men took place in the neighborhood outside the Lamp Community Center which provided services to the homeless. When Lopez first cautiously and fearfully drives into this community, the camera bombards viewers with images of violence, drugs and poverty. One distinctive social encounter occurs when a large and muscular Black man aggressively approaches Lopez while flexing his muscles. This intense and angry encounter illustrates one of my many examples outside the Lamp Community Center that show tension between the White protagonist and the Black homeless citizens. While watching these powerful images, I felt upset not only because it probably represents a reality for much of the homeless population in Los Angeles but also because of the stereotypes portrayed in these images. In the first weeks of class, we discussed a chapter in the Uprooting Racism text where Kivel asked questions such as “Do you hold your purse closer to you (lock your car doors, etc.) when you see a man of color approach you?” Kivel wrote about how these habitual reactions result from the stereotypes integrated into our minds through society and media. While The Soloist featured a couple admirable and helpful Black men, the overwhelming portrayal of this group (besides the homeless and mentally ill protagonist) came through images of violence, abuse and aggression. I could not help but to think how these representations shaped the thoughts of the audience. Overall, I felt very mixed reactions to the content and message of the movie. On one hand, it promoted awareness of the staggering poverty that continues to exist in the United States. The film delivered a powerful message about the inequalities in our country, and it certainty impacted my entire family. On the other hand, the film depicted also many scenes of crime and violence that involved primarily Black men and I wonder how these pictures contributed to producing a “fear-based society in which no one feels safe” (Kivel, 66).

This past week for class I read an article entitled The White Girl in Me, the Colored Girl in You, and the Lesbian in Us: Crossing Boundaries. The authors, Medria Connolly and Debra Noumair, discussed the perspective that “differences such as race, gender, and sexual orientation of ‘others’ are often used as receptacles for the unwanted aspects of oneself,” and subsequently their personal experiences in discovering the “other” within themselves (322). It never occurred to me that an important aspect of breaking down individual stereotypes could involve investigating how I personally embody the “other.” I found the article quite interesting because it provided a different approach to combating racism and increasing communication from many of the other material encountered in this course.

When reading the article, though, I noticed in the process of breaking down prejudices, it seemed that the authors continued to uphold many existing stereotypes. Connolly describes how in her mind “white girl behavior can take various forms. It involves talking proper…presenting one’s self with a neutral affect…engaging through personal connections…[and] acting as if one really needs the support of others” (326). This illustrates one of several examples when the authors describe in stereotypical terms what it means to be White, Black or homosexual. I understand that in the process of identifying how one embodies the “other,” one must first define characteristics of that other group. Additionally I understand that these authors are exploring this exercise for the first time, and that sharing their personal experiences on paper must have been a challenging task. Despite this though, it seemed that these descriptions of the “other” might simply perpetuate the stereotypes that they originally attempted to destroy.

The next day while reading through blogs, I read an entry by Amanda S. that related to these thoughts. I could not figure out how to comment because she registered her blog on another site, so I am going to include my comments here. Amanda discussed how in Brothers and Sisters, many of the characters “were accused of ‘acting White,’” and that she believes that “the whole idea of ‘acting White’ or ‘acting Black’ seems to perpetuate the stereotypes that can lead to prejudice and racism.” While Amanda’s blog provided some support for my notion that perhaps labeling behavior as “acting White” or “acting Black” simply propagates stereotypes, I realized after more thought that there is an important difference in context between the situations that Amanda and I considered. Amanda observed this trend in a social and work setting where such classifications perhaps contributed to stronger prejudices, while I noticed it in an academic setting where the purpose of defining “acting White” was to identify “the other” in oneself. This realization made me reconsider my original reaction to the Connolly and Noumair’s article.

When talking about the state of dialogue on campus in class a couple weeks ago, I felt surprised and encouraged that some students felt positively about the discussion on Wesleyan’s campus for my perception was overwhelmingly negative. The majority of examples that popped into my mind when writing the reflection consisted of derogatory comments and insulting jokes that I overheard friends making about race. Over the next couple weeks I decided to pay closer attention to the conversations I witnessed. I hypothesized that dialogue about race happened much more often than I realized when paying close attention.

With close observation of different conservations I was involved in, I began to find substantial evidence for the notion that White Americans “actually talk about race all the time” but do so by utilizing “code words” (Kivel, 58). The first striking example that I experienced occurred off-campus when talking about violence and crime on campus with extended family. A relative was interested in the crime rates on Illinois Wesleyan and another small liberal arts college that one of my cousins attends. I noticed immediately that everyone spoke in code words because as an entirely White family we “can count on a mutual (white) understanding of the implications of the words without having to specify [a] comment is about race” (Kivel, 58). I mentioned that a couple violent attacks occurred on campus in the last couple of years, and one family member commented on how the location of Wesleyan’s campus next to a “low-income” neighborhood perhaps increases the rate of crime. After this initial observation of code words in action, I began to detect these words quite frequently in several different settings. When talking about politics and current events it seemed that phrases like “inner city” students and “low income” communities came up repeatedly and allowed White people (myself included) to talk about race “without having to admit to doing do” (Kivel, 58).

While I noticed this pattern prior to writing my reflection about the state of dialogue on campus, I had no concept of how common these colored-coded words are until really paying attention to the discussion around me. In my initial campus dialogue paper, I wrote about how students seemed to conform strongly to the societal norms – especially the status quo of silence. After recognizing the recurrent and repeated use of these code words, I would revise my paper to state that students on campus seem to actually converse about race daily and comfortably. These discussions on race, however, center around the use of codes and stereotypes, and consequently perpetuate the “awful, uncomfortable silence” (Kivel, 58).

Analyzing the various authors’ White identity development in class helped to clarify the different stages in Helm’s model. Kindred and I looked at the White Man Dancing: A Story of Personal Transformation article by Gary Howard, and were surprised how closely his development matched the model. Howard grew up in an exclusively White community, and never encountered a person of a different race until eighteen years of age. His lack of contact with people of color allowed him to remain in the oblivious contact stage until a double date with an interracial couple introduced to him to a young African American woman. This experience along with his entrance to “the Hill” neighborhood outside Yale prompted Howard to move into the disintegration stage; he broke through the racial isolation of his childhood and recognized the cycle of racism that enabled his prior ignorance. Unlike the Helm’s model for development in which reintegration follows disintegration, Howard did not write about a return to anger and blame toward the oppressed group. Instead he directly entered the pseudo-independence stage, evidenced in his moving out to live in the Hill and working as the only White staff member in summer camps and leadership seminars. By surrounding himself completely with Black and Latino communities, leaders and culture, Howard began to understand how racism functions in society and to acquire a positive sense of self. In the subsequent stage of his development, Howard decides to bring his knowledge and experience back into the White community. Immersed completely in White culture once again, Howard struggles to communicate to those living in the racial seclusion he experience growing up. Eventually through exploring his identity as a White American and his culture as a British descendent, he gained a confident, informed and constructive identity and thus entered the immersion/emersion and autonomy stages of Helm’s model.

After analyzing the racial identity development of Gary Howard in class and characters in the Brothers and Sisters novel, I began to wonder where I belong in the model. Although it took Kindred and me ten minutes to consider and come to conclusions about the growth of Howard, I found it significantly more difficult to describe myself beyond the preliminary phases. Attending predominantly White elementary and middle schools, much of my childhood and youth occurred in the contact stage. Close friendships in high school with people of different races exposed me to some of the privileges I received as a White individual, illustrating my experience in the disintegration stage. Subsequent to these first two stages, however, I find it difficult to pinpoint which stages characterize my identity development because it seems as if different pieces of life belong in the various stages. This whole thought exercise in trying to identify where I belong in Helm’s model really illustrates the complexity and difficulty of racial identity development; for even though the models help to outline the general process of growth, defining a positive sense of self never occurs as cleanly and concisely as the models.

After listening to the media presentations in class and seeing the trends that others observed in films, television and magazines, I began to watch images and advertisements more closely and critically. Several weeks ago on my blog, I discussed how I picked up on the blatant racial stereotypes depicted in one of the “Bring It On” films when a wealthy White cheerleader enrolls in a high school of predominantly Black students. Although a couple weeks ago I detected these explicit racial stereotypes, it was not until the presentations that I became aware of the large trends that seem to touch every facet of media from magazines to reality television to video games.

I started to notice the skewed ratio of many White faces to few Black faces to virtually no Latino, Asian, or Arab faces on the television programs and commercials viewed everyday in my household. I explained this observation to my parents while watching Saturday Night Live when I noticed that two to three successive clothing commercials featured fair-skinned, blonde-haired and light-eyed females. My parents questioned why the particular advertisement that I criticized was itself perpetuating racial stereotypes. I not so effectively tried to defend my position by discussing that while the one singular advertisement may or may not have a huge influence, the slanted ratio of five advertisements featuring White models versus the one advertisement featuring a Black model contributes to the cycle of racism as Peggy McIntosh notes that her invisible knapsack includes that she “can turn on the television…and see people of my race widely represented,” (166).

My parents then asked about my magazine analysis project and whether this skewed ratio that I referred to appeared in magazines such as Hip Hop Weekly or Ebony that target Black Americans as the primary audience. The ratio of photographs of Black models versus White models was completely reversed in these magazines, and this discussion with my parents made me look at media through a new critical lens. Because I was looking at media expecting to see the White-washed ratios, I failed to noticed how segregated the races continue to be in many forms of media. With this realization, I began to perceive some different trends in the media; for example, one of the previews before the film Revolutionary Road (which featured an entirely White cast) was for Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail, an upcoming movie with a leading cast of all Black actors. While I still think that the White-washed ratio of photographs in magazines such as Vogue or Sports Illustrated and commercials on television continue to contribute to the “smog” of aversive racism that society breathes, it has been interesting and important to note the striking segregation that still exists in the media.

Although I formally learned about the model minority concept for the first time in this psychology course, I encountered the notion many times in high school through my close friendships with several Asian Americans. All of these friends outwardly embodied the model minority stereotype; two of my Chinese American friends followed the math track that began college calculus work two years before the “advanced placement” track, three of these friends qualified as National AP scholars and all of them enrolled in highly selective universities with two entering as engineering majors. The intelligence, motivation and work ethic that these friends displayed made them exemplary students that fulfilled the stereotypes associated with the model minority.

I distinctly remember several occurrences when after receiving a high exam grade or doing well on a paper, when these friends joked about their academic success resulting from being Asian. Although in high school I rarely thought twice about these light-hearted jokes, it occurred to me when filling out the “association charts” in class (writing down the first words that come to mind after reading the name of a racial group) that I internalized the stereotypes behind these jokes. The first words that popped into my head after reading Asian American were intelligence and motivation – words that characterize the model minority identity.

Throughout high school, I never considered the negative implications and falsehoods associated with the model minority label because my Asian American friends seemed to be on the fast track to success with their exceptional performance in academics. It never occurred to me that society used their educational success as a stab against other racial groups of color or that their salaries remained lower than White Americans despite their hard-work and dedication (Wu, 51). I think that this obliviousness to the destructiveness of the model minority stereotype contributes to its resilience as a “meme” that “can be passed on from person to person, society to society, and generation to generation” (Wu, 59) because it seems much easier to ignore or justify a stereotype that apparently represents positive attributes and achievements. After learning about how the model minority concept, I wonder how it affected my Asian American friends in high school. Did they feel more pressure to perform well academically? Why did they make so many jokes that played off of the model minority?

During class last Tuesday we constructed and discussed social identify profiles that illustrated our various group memberships. A couple characteristics of my social identify, such as physical ability, I rarely thought about until put in a situation where I no longer belonged in the dominant group. Dr. Beverly Tatum observed this same trend when she asked students to complete the sentence “I am_______.” She found that students seldom mentioned an element of identity “where a person is member of the dominant or advantaged social group” (Tatum, 21). When I broke several bones in high school and the doctor ordered me to not lift anything over five pounds, I suddenly became keenly aware of my lack of physical ability when getting books down from my locker at school or lifting coffee pots while working at Caribou Coffee. In retrospect, this experience demonstrated an important lesson in not taking for granted the components of my identify in which I belong to the dominant group.

The element of my social identify that I struggled most to analyze in terms of “most aware of” or “have strongest effect on how you see yourself as a person” was race because until taking this course, I seldom thought about my racial identify just as I hardly ever considered my physical ability. The majority of the assigned readings for the past week focused on the development of racial identity, and because I experienced difficulty in analyzing how race effects my social profile, I thought it would be interesting to assess what stage of racial identity characterizes me.
The models discussed thus far in class are primarily used as a framework for people of color because forming a racial identity is a much more salient issue for people of color living in a dominant White culture. Nevertheless, it seemed as if the overarching ideas for development applied also to those with White skin. After much thought about where in the cycle my identity lies, I came to no conclusion. Although I am able to recall past interactions and thoughts about race, especially in the "encounter" stage when my predominantly White middle school integrated with a predominantly Black middle school, I was never forced to grapple with the emotions and inequalities that accompany not belonging to the dominant racial group. This whole thought process made me start to consider questions such as “What exactly is “White” culture to me?” In the past when asked to define my “culture” I immediately think of my Norwegian heritage, and the language, food, songs, customs and values that I grew up with. This, however, constitutes my ethnic culture, and I never contemplated what exactly White culture entails. I guess it will be interesting to see what the psychologists say about my development when we read about the models for white identity.

While watching the “Ethnic Notions” film in class last Tuesday, I felt disturbed and uncomfortable about the portrayals of Black Americans in the media. One section of the film addressed the concept that for many White Americans living in Northern States, the image of Jim Crow, the wild man dressed in unkempt clothes and dancing in a “humorous” manner, symbolized the behavior and intellect of Black Americans. I found this portion of the film particularly unsettling because it illustrated the immense influence the media holds over perceptions and opinions. Later in the week this initial reaction returned to me while reading another student’s blog which discussed how she was unable to recall any negative experiences with other racial groups, but nevertheless found herself locking her car doors if a person of color was approaching because these habits are ingrained into society. I identified with the situation she described, and began thinking about why both she and I formed these instinctive reactions without any personal experience to rationalize such actions. Later on that same day while flipping through channels on the television I came across one of the “Bring It On” movies and was surprised at the explicit racial stereotypes represented in the film. The scene depicted a White high school cheerleader on her first day enrolling in a predominantly Black high school. The White cheerleader drove a brightly-colored convertible with upbeat music blasting into the parking lot of a gray school surrounded by tall fences and Black students hip-hop dancing. The scenes progressed to show the conceited and wealthy cheerleader insult a colored student about her fake designer handbag, followed by her disgust with the security guards at the entrance of the school. Although I watched this movie several times in high school, I never noticed the racial undertones in the film which illustrates how I unconsciously breathed what Dr. Beverly Tatum referred to as the “smog” of racism. Viewing this film and noticing the blatant racial stereotypes reminded me of the “Ethnic Notions” film, and I realized that the current racial prejudices represented in the media have impacted me greatly.

In class last Tuesday, several people shared the common viewpoint that talking about racism acts as one of the first steps in working towards racial equality. In addition to expressing this perspective, many people also discussed the difficulty of conversing about racism. I thought about and came across this conflict of interest – the need to discuss racism in order to overcome it despite the difficulty of the topic – a couple times throughout the week. The first encounter occurred while doing the taping assignment for this class. Although I was sitting in a private room, talking to only the computer and myself about my experiences with and thoughts about racism, I still consciously used the “proper” names for different racial groups to avoid offending anyone. When growing up, my parents taught me to use the appropriate and polite names, African American and Caucasian, whenever referencing a person’s race. I found myself using these terms deliberately throughout my entire taping assignment, despite that fact that black, white and people of color are commonly accepted, because I felt uncomfortable saying a name that might offend someone. Although I think that being cognizant and sensitive of others’ viewpoints is important when discussing racism, I was still struck by how careful and uncomfortable I felt when discussing racial issues in a closed room with a computer. Later in the week while eating dinner with a friend, I encountered the difficulty of discussing racism once again when I brought up the topic randomly. She was talking about an unfortunate picture that her friend posted on facebook, and she described the photograph as “blackmail.” I told her that I read about how “blackmail” contains a derogatory racial reference that I failed to notice until the past week. My friend clearly felt uncomfortable discussing the racial issue in the cafeteria, and we quickly switched the subject. These two experiences in the last couple of weeks have helped me to realize how racism continues to covertly function in society in simple, yet influential ways, and how I remained oblivious to its execution for twenty years.

It has only been a week since the beginning of my Psychology of Racism class, and I am astonished how much I have learned in the past seven days. I grew up in a liberal and tolerant family that stressed the importance of accepting others regardless of physical, ideological, social and cultural differences. Resulting from this upbringing, I have considered myself nonjudgmental towards others, but I realized this past week that no amount of open-mindedness in my household changes the fact that without knowledgeable intent I benefited many times from my status as a white female. In the Uprooting Racism text by Paul Kivel, he included a “white benefits checklist” that detailed several advantages of belonging to the dominant racial group in the United States. This checklist revolutionized my perspective on how racism has undeservedly benefited my family and self. My grandfather received his master degree in Economics because of benefits related to the G.I. bill which denied many people of color veteran’s benefits. He subsequently worked in the agricultural department for the government, an occupation that provided a considerable pension which helped significantly with paying my college tuition. I attended a well-funded school in the suburbs of Minneapolis with teachers and counselors who encouraged me to continue with education. I grew up in secure and police-protected neighborhood with reliable access to quality medical services. I see people of my race represented extensively in many forms of media. This list, which hardly encompasses all of the advantages I have received through white privilege, made me realize how oblivious I have been in recognizing my how racism impacts (and benefits) me personally.